Stop being mad at people for not wanting you back. That shit is impossible to fake. Stop guilt tripping people into loving you and then getting upset when you realize it was all fake, you cannot force intimacy and affection onto someone who’ll never feel the same. Save yourself the trouble from the jump and fuck with people who want to fuck with you like that.
It is fascinating to me how well sermons can work together, even from different churches, at different times; they come together to open up a bigger picture for their audience, for whomever is truly paying attention. Thankfully, I was. At least, eventually.
The first sermon I heard was about revealing your potential. It went something like this. In all of us is potential, and sometimes, we become hardened and lose hope in our potential because we lose out on “good” moments in our lives - that person, that job, etc. But if we took a step back and realized God’s intentions, we would see that our potential is still growing, thus these “good” moments were only stepping stones - humbling instances, if I may - and it is up to us to recognize that better moments than “good” are to come.
I was listening, but I wasn’t yet a believer.
See, I had become stuck in a limbo. The thoughts that traced through my mind on a daily basis made me believe that I was forever stuck in a hole, in a ditch, unable to recover and get myself out. Questions would float through my mind late at night, making me wonder what the point of living was, and a better question, why I cared to make a point to living. Because in my mind, I didn’t care. And maybe that was reality for me, at least for a little while. I would constantly be told to create a purpose for myself, that I was the sole person who could make the meaning of why I was on Earth; silly them though, because I didn’t care enough for my own life to be able to create that meaning.
My depression (which I hate using, but if it quacks like a duck and walks like a duck, it’s probably a duck) stuck to me, but it wasn’t like what I thought it would be, which made it easy to think it wasn’t real. I could still function, because I had no other option. I would get myself out of bed, I would be eating, I would be in class, I would be working. But the void was still there, the emptiness in my soul still grew and grew, and like the evil darkness that it was, it would hit me at night, when the sense of loneliness was strong. And although the sermon about revealing my potential, knowing that I had so much to offer but it wasn’t quite the right time, was so true and enlightening, my heart wasn’t yet ready to be liberated.
The second sermon, however, I began truly listening. And it all began to make sense. It was about not sitting on the bench or the stands, but putting on your helmet to protect your mind from the evil, and still running back on field to be a player. Your potential wasn’t going to thrive if you stayed on the benches, not allowing yourself to grow, and it wasn’t going to become anything if you sat in the stands, only a bystander to what was happening around you. I kept hearing the same thing: God cannot put you in the stands nor can he force you to the stands, and in that, neither could the Devil. Only you could, and when you do that, you restrict yourself of any growth, any potential being revealed - you become lesser of a person, because you forget how to fight back, how to go through the storm rather than sit around and wait for it to end.
None of it is supposed to be easy, but it’s a start. It took my depression taking me to the bottom before I realized that it was the best thing that could have happened for me, because being at the bottom meant the only way to go was up. And that was where He was guiding me. It wasn’t up to Him to take me by the hand and drag me back, but I could feel Him guide me through, and I knew in that moment that I had the power to grow my potential and eventually reveal it. It isn’t yet my time, whether for where I want to be in life nor the relationship I so desperately craved. But the journey to get there is so enlightening now, it has the power of a million sun rays. When you are ready, truly ready, you will find everything has finally settled to where it should be, even if it may be different from what you thought.
The potential you have in yourself, the love that you require for yourself - none of it is for nothing, none of it is ever wasted. Keep growing, keep learning, keep believing. If it takes hitting the bottom for you to finally get back up, it is okay. Whether He guides you, or you choose to believe in your own self solely to get you there, you will. It is all based on belief, in becoming a team player again, to keep fighting. So, put your helmets on and don’t let the darkness get to you. It will always be afraid of the light, but you don’t have to be afraid of anything.
